oh, my beautiful idiot
by glowing neon
Summary: Some days, he does everything he can to keep Remus happy. Here are some of those other days, where all Remus wants to do is dismember Sirius slowly and throw his remains off a cliff. / for omnomnivore. merry christmas!


**Pairing: **Remus/Sirius. Implied unrequited!James/Lily.

**For:** Omnomnivore. Merry Christmas, dear, sorry it's so late.

**Word Count: **1001

**Warnings: **Slash, duh. Nongraphic description of sexual activities in the second paragraph. Swearing.

**Challenges: **Stretch yo limits (Medium – Teacher at Hogwarts. Well, Remus was a teacher, yeah?); Favourite Era Bootcamp (shampoo).

**Notes: **hey look, it's full-blown slash from Sylvia! I've recently discovered a love for slash, so y'all are gonna be seeing a lot more Remus/Sirius etc ;) I just wanted to write something mildly fluffy ok don't judge. This is yellow in this collection because YELLOW IS FOR HAPPY AND ISN'T THIS HAPPY -throws confetti-

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**i. in which Sirius has an overactive imagination: second year.**

He'd seen Sirius looking at him suspiciously the last few days, and he didn't like it one little bit. A whole week had passed, to be correct, in which Remus would look up from _Standard Book of Spells _or his dog-eared copy of _Oliver Twist _and the black-haired boy would just be sitting there, watching him.

Of course, as soon as he realised that he'd been spotted, Sirius would blush and look away quickly.

One evening, he'd had quite enough of this. But as he moved to ask his friend what was wrong, Peter scurried over to him, a sympathetic look on his face.

"Remus – Sirius just told me. I'm so sorry, mate. I didn't realise."

Remus blanched. Had they figured out he was a werewolf? If they had, surely they wouldn't want to be friends with Remus anymore; after all, who would want to associate with someone who was a vicious _monster_ once a month? He wasn't even properly _human. _

"R-r-realise?" he stuttered, trying hard not to fidget. "Realise what?"

Peter frowned, as if Remus was stupid. "That you're a girl, of course."

His first thought was _oh thank Merlin, I don't know what I would've done if they learnt the truth._

His second was _… what?_

"Peter," Remus said slowly, "why does he think I'm a girl?"

"You get really moody for a week every month, you start eating lots. Apparently that's what girls do," Peter paused, lowering his voice as to not attract attention from others in the common room. "When they're on their _period_," he elaborated, muttering the word as though it was a filthy thing not to ever be mentioned.

Typical twelve-year-old.

"And how many people has Sirius told?" Remus said, his voice dangerously quiet.

"Uhm," he said. "Just a few." Reconsidering that, he bit his lip. "Maybe forty?"

Merlin, he was going to _kill _Sirius.

.

**ii. in which Sirius hates doing detention alone: fourth year.**

In a game he'd been playing with Sirius a few weeks ago, they had to try and describe people with just one word.

According to Sirius, James was "friend". McKinnon was "pride". Remus was "resilient".

Remus had spent a week trying to find a word for Sirius, but to his dismay, he couldn't find one. He stumbled upon the word nearly a month later, just before their fourth Christmas at Hogwarts. It took him by surprise, but he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it earlier.

_Idiot._

Remus was looking for his friend after Sirius had disappeared from dinner, only to find him suspending Mrs. Norris up by her tail on a chandelier. Sirius turned around and grinned at him, clearly pleased with his work.

As if that wasn't enough to put Remus into shock, the black-haired boy then reached over and… _kissed him._

In the moment or two that followed, several things happened. Remus openly gaped at his friend, who looked a bit sheepish, though his grin was still on his face. A hand reached out from behind Remus and settled on his shoulder. He turned around to see the grim face of Professor MacDougal, the Astronomy Professor.

"What have we here, boys?"

"Nothing," Sirius replied, but all too quickly to be believable.

As the professor launched into a full-on rant, Sirius leaned over and explained, "I hate doing detention alone."

"Idiot," Remus muttered.

That's what Sirius was.

A hopelessly stupid, big-headed, and utterly ridiculous idiot.

(The words 'attractive' did not cross Remus' mind. Not once. Definitely not. Absolutely not. Negative.)

(Well; maybe a little.)

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**iii. in which Sirius needs to stop volunteering Remus for things: seventh year.**

It was a common misconception that Remus, boyfriend and not-so-secret lover of one of his dormmates, as the 'woman' in their relationship. Or, as Mary McDonald had oh-so-eloquently put it, "likes to take it up the arse".

(This was, in fact, not true – not that Sirius and Remus ever did anything to dispel such rumours.)

People believed as such for various reasons. The first was that Sirius, pre-Remus, had been known for sleeping with anything and everything that moved. The second was that Remus was decidedly more quiet than his partner, preferring books and chess to Quidditch and excessive drinking. Although, to be fair, Remus was the mastermind behind many of the Marauders' best pranks – he just wasn't stupid enough to get caught.

(There was a third reason why, that could've gotten two boys into a lot of trouble; the pair's best friends, James and Peter, had told everyone that they'd often walked into the dorm with Remus on the floor and Sirius on top of him.)

All of this resulted in a rather interesting consequence - Remus was regularly invited to sleepovers with other girls in his house. The first time someone had invited him, he had laughed in her face. She had run off crying, and he spent the next few days feeling both guilty and annoyed.

He'd subsequently turned down every invitation after that.

Until James decided he needed to know if Lily Evans, the object of his affections, was interested in him and announced to their dorm that he needed a man on the inside.

And Remus' ridiculous boyfriend had volunteered him.

And this was how Remus came to be sitting in the corner of the Seventh-Year girls' dorm, hiding behind a stack of textbooks, ignoring the overwhelming scent of nail polish and shampoo that filled the room.

He was going to _kill_ Sirius.

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**review k bye**


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